I hate New Jersey. This same, monotonous lifestyle of booze and socializing with people, whose sole mission is to accept their skewed vision of happiness bothers me to no end. It’s a hellhole of replaying high school recreation over and over again, until I end up where I start everyday; my fucking bed. Its the not the new clothes you have on your back or what new people you were drinking with; that wasn’t important before and it will never become relevant ever. What really counts are your experiences in the world, a hand-held vision that I caressed and watched grow that, I pray one day will have ample substance. ”Could”, is not a word I’ve been familiar with for sometime. It isn’t within my power and if it was I wouldn’t be writing this post, but “would”, well, that’s a word I find myself using each day.
It’s innocuous in nature, but it casts a unshakable cloud in my mind that weighs too heavily on everything I say these days. But one day I promise that, “I would”, will turn into “I can”; that I can find fulfillment and the happiness that I must believe waits for me somewhere. Absorbing the world through books, movies and the unlimited information of my handy macbook, I have come to believe a certain truth about happiness. The totality of happiness, the gaps that cannot be filled through family and friends is achieved not in crappy New Jersey, its not in your home, but through culture and travels. The pinnacle of happiness isn’t here; it’s out there.
Also, I’m far from the self-loathing type, but put enough Koreans in one room with enough soju and they think they’re in that fucking movie “친구”. (I love my Korean friends <3)